Hey, kids! You don’t need some cruddy journal to get answers anymore—go check our our brand new FAQ!
AND SERIOUSLY, HAND OVER THAT JOURNAL.
Heh, thanks. You guys are pretty sweet. Y’know, it’s funny, I used to do this blanket fort thing all the time when I was a kid.
I mean, it was usually to take cover from three totally spastic brothers. But, hey, I’m pretty sure these things are love-proof, too.
Oh, man…Well, I mean, I’ve always been interested in mysteries and things, but it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I got invested in, y’know, actually going after them myself…
I do remember this one time, though, when I was younger. Back home,we lost power in a storm one night and really creepy things started happening.
It started with weird scratching in the vents, then suddenly, stuff was falling over in the kitchen…I kinda assumed it was a ghost, because I mean, if I was a ghost, a power outage would probably be the best time to quit hiding in the netherworlds…or wherever the heck ghosts live.
I told Mabel, but she was more interested in designing it a greeting card than she was in finding it. So while my parents told me it was nothing, I still managed a stakeout under the kitchen table, flashlight in my hand, and I waited.
And just before I was about to fall asleep, I heard it. The scratching and scuffling. Something knocked down the coffee maker, banged shut a cabinet, and I, uh, well.
I just kinda sat there. I may have been curious, but hey, I wasn’t dumb, alright? I dunno what ghosts are capable of, why take your chances when the power’s out and you can’t even research???
But when it was all said and done…it, uh, wasn’t exactly a ghost. Turns out all the flooding outside had driven something else into the kitchen, heh…
Anyway, uh, yeah, that’s how we found Mr. Fluffmuffin.
Bottom line, even though there was no ghost, I guess that moment really sparked my interest in the paranormal. Sure, the whole cat issue was a mistake, but I still don’t doubt things otherwise. Because, hey, there’s always a possibility! Just look at this town!
I mean, there’s no way…
…that all this…
…is just a mistake.
Well, to be honest, I’m not all that much’f an expert on the land-roamin’ ones. My experience is pretty much strictly airborne. However, I credit myself on bein’, well, at least decently smart, so I’m gonna go ahead and take into account some basic common sense, Stan Pines style.
See, what are dinosaurs? They’re big, strong, kinda wrinkly things.
And what am I? Well, uh, a big, strong, kinda wrinkly thing!
Throw in the fact that we’re both basically ancient, and bingo, you’ve reached your bottom line. These dinosaurs aren’t punks, kid. They’re grumpy old guys!
So the rest is pretty much logic! Buy ‘em a bunch’f copies of Gold Chains For Old Men, leave ‘em in a trail off your street (preferably towards Gideon’s place, y’know, if you live close enough) and those dinos’ll be off in no time! Not gonna lie, kid, that subscription’s addictive.
And that’s all there is to it. Totally foolproof! Heh, guess I’m more of a dinosaur expert than I thought. You should, I dunno, pay me or somethin’.
GUESS WHO’S STILL ALIVE!!!
That’s right, still kickin’. I know we’ve been pretty inactive recently, but honestly, you don’t know the half ‘f what’s been goin’ on around here!
Dipper got attacked by somethin’ right outside the Shack—eh, it was probably the goat or somethin’—but either way, kid nearly lost a toe, and man, it showed at the scene’f the crime! Yeah…that was a mess.
Then on top’f that, Mabel decides that a cold foggy night would be the perfect time to row out and try t’find her “mermaid boyfriend” (yeah, don’t ask). Took us nearly a day to find her, turns out she got distracted by, I dunno, some pelicans or somethin’. Yeesh.
And to top it all off, Soos got some kind’f epiphany around the fourth of July to put on a grand, moneymakin’ fireworks spectacular!
Unfortunately, it also burned down half the Shack.
Also that was totally his idea. Not mine. Do I look like the kind of guy who would skimp out on safety features just to save a penny?
Anyway, movin’ on.
Basically, all I’m tryin’ to say is that things have been pretty busy around here. There’s a lot to clean up, and Soos—I mean, I—have been pretty much runnin’ the show alone.
So we’re just here to let you know that we’ve still got all your questions, and we’re still, y’know, alive and things. It just might take a while for things to calm down around here. But we’re gonna be back, so, I dunno, stick around!
Plus, donations’ll totally make it faster. Y’know, cash, check, full wallet—I’ll take whatever!
Have a heart! Save the whales and the…children…and all that.
Y’know, ordinarily, I’d say somethin’ like a dragon or like, laser-eyed frog or, well, somethin’ cool like that! But believe it or not, I’ve actually been thinkin’ about this recently. It’s a really serious question! And I’ve come to, like, a real solid decision, dude.
I’d be a butternut squash with human face n’ emotions.
Now, I know what you’re gonna say. “But Soos!”—That’s, uh, that’s you talkin’, by the way—“I know you’ll be like, incredibly delicious ‘n stuff, dude, but a butternut squash? Why’d you choose that over a laser-lightning robot dragon or somethin’?”
But remember, this is a butternut squash with human face and emotions.
Dragons are real awesome, bro, but like, what good is it t’be one if you don’t have emotions? I mean, I guess you’d just be hungry all th’ time, but I dunno if that’s really an emotion…and besides, man, I’m hungry all th’ time anyway!
But dude, emotions’re totally worth it!
It’s really sad, though, cause I’ve actually met a few people who wish they didn’t have emotions, and whenever they feel some bad ones, they use really harmful ways to try an’ deal with ‘em. I wish they could see that emotions’re natural things, an’ it’s okay to feel sad n’ scared. ‘Cause believe it or not, there’s a lot’f good things that come out of havin’ emotions.
Bein’ sad’s no fun, but it teaches us how to help other people when they’re sad.
Bein’ scared can warn you ‘bout dangerous situations and help you get out of them, plus fear can keep you from doin’ something dumb.
And best’f all, bein’ happy reminds you how awesome things can get! Sure, you can’t, like, be happy all the time. But bad stuff always makes good things look better—if you were happy forever, I think it’d be pretty boring, dude.
But bottom line, emotions’re pretty sweet. Whether you’re laughin’ or cryin’, you shouldn’t have to hide it. After all, emotions allow us t’express how we really feel an’ experience things to the fullest, instead of sittin’ there like a lifeless lump!
And if I get to be a delicious butternut squash while havin’ ‘em, dude, that’s a plus!