Well, if ya want me to mention some weird stuff, I got th’ perfect story that happened just ‘bout a month ago!
So one day I was strollin’ along, mindin’ my own flimjams, when suddenly, I spot all these signs, pasted t’every telephony pole in town! Talkin’ bout some movie auditions’r somethin’, right here dim-splat in Gravity Falls!
So I took a poster an’ stuck it in my beard, n’ kept it there ‘til auditions rolled around. Then I showed up bright n’ early on th’ scheduled date, shoved my way through the crowd, and got ready to stun ‘em all with my artistic charms!
A hop, skip, n’ a jig later, they told me I was spot-on for th’ role’f th’ local kook (a name I’ve so-far kept as my professional taggyline!), and a few weeks later, I got one ‘a them callbacks. Before I knowed it, I was in one a’ them fancy trailers, with all my stage makeup and scriptymadoodles! Within a matter a’ months, I was gunna be a himhammerin’ movie star!
But unfortunately, it didn’t pan out…Apparently all’f my actin’ buddies had a problem with me sneakin’ in their dressin’ rooms at night and nibblin’ their slippers. Go figure!
It all turned out okay, though, cause the movie was a flop! Probably because a giant killer ro’but conveniently showed up at the premiere and BLASTED THE ENTIRE SHOW TO SMITHEROONS!!!
It also taught me how to be a good actor fer the whole Gobblewonker situation, too! Hoo-whee!
I, uh, can’t rightly remember where I was goin’ with the whole “weirdness” factor a’ this story…
T’be honest, nibblin’ slippers is prob’ly one a’ the most normal things I’ve ever done…
==Old Man McGucket, Local Kook
Ice cream? Did you mean the greatest most magical desserty goodness ON THE PLANET???
Yeah, while I love the scoopy stuff on a cone, though, ice cream pops are so much better! They’re not exactly popsicles…But they’re not exactly ice cream either!!! It’s like magic on a stick!
But when it comes to flavor…blargh, it’s so hard to choose! Cause like, you have some with ice cream on the inside, ice cream on the outside, crunchy chocolate coating, multicolored ones, some with nuts and sprinkles and everything frozen in, even little bits of fruit, I just can’t decide!!!
But Grunkle Stan has an ice cream cooler right inside the Shack, so I guess I’m gonna keep eating pops til I figure out which one is best!!!
Well, to be honest, I didn’t know that much about him at all. I mean, I knew he like, existed and stuff, and mom and dad brought him up from time to time, but we basically knew he was just a great uncle living up north. Didn’t really get many, y’know, details abou—
I thought he was a plumber!!!
Mabel, what the heck would give you the slightest inkling that Grunkle Stan was a plumber? Seriously, now.
Okay, first of all, the word “inkling” sounds like little inky shadow glob babies, just so you know.
And second of all, I didn’t need any hints! I just thought he’d be like Mario! But old. And I didn’t think he was just any plumber, by the way. I used to picture him as like, this super secret undercover plumber!
I still kinda do…
Oh, crud, what did you say? I think I dropped your ask in the popco—
Alright y’all, listen. I git it. The askbox’s been closed fer like, months on end, now, and I know yer all a real impatient group. Not to mention, real annoyin’. Yeah, trust me, I got that.
But for th’love of all things good n’ holy, STOP LEAVIN’ ASKS IN OUR FANMAIL N’ SUBMISSION BOXES!!! D’ya not know how to read’r somethin’??? Fanmail’s fer lettin’ me know how much you troglodytes need me t’lead you, or fer lettin’ the Pines family know how much I hate ‘em. Submissions’re for stuff like contests, or if you’re lookin’ to send a photo or video or whatever (I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN ANY PHOTOS’F STAN’S SAFE COMBINATION, BY TH’ WAY, Y’ALL BETTER GET ON THAT!). But asks go in the askbox, and TH’ ASKBOX IS CLOSED!
Look, half’a you ain’t even th’ problem. I ain’t mad at you, y’all go on your way. But this is just a reminder, cause we’ve got some FANTASTIC ASKS ABOUT ME THROUGH SUBMISSIONS, AND I’VE HAD TO RESIST ANSWERIN’ THEM CAUSE I’M FORCED TO TOSS ‘EM OUT!!! YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT IS??? JUST WRITE ‘EM DOWN FOR LATER OR SOMETHIN’!!!
AND DON’T THINK YOU CAN GET SNEAKY, I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE!!! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT STUBBORN MULE KEEPS DROPPIN’ EM IN THERE! THAT’S RIGHT! I EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!
SO STOP IT, DAD.
Well, I guess I don’t head out much with Dipper and Mabel cause I’m pretty occupied. I mean, half the time I’m busy
not runnin’ the shack, and the other half, I’m out with the guys.
I think Dipper and Mabel have enough fun without me anyway? Eh, who knows. Soos always comes back with a bunch of crazy stories to tell, either way.
But hey, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own stories, man! I mean, c’mon. When you’re packed in a van full of teenage psychos, crazy junk’s gonna happen. Especially in Gravity Falls, it’s pretty obvious.
But yeah, aside from the Dusk 2 Dawn, there’s actually been one main instance of “paranormal stuff” I’ve had the pleasure of running into. Kinda.
It all went down a couple of days before Dipper and Mabel even moved out here. Stan was down with with a cold or whatever and I was able to get all my friends up in the shack to, y’know, chill.
I think it was Nate who got the idea to go prank Robbie’s place, seein’ as he never responded to our texts about hanging out. So we all piled up in Thompson’s van (well, his mom’s van), stopped at a nearby grocery store and bought two jumbo packs of toilet paper, and went off to totally T.P. his entire house.
After tossing about four rolls, Lee and Thompson headed over to the window to check and see if the dork was even home.
All of a sudden, they started freaking out.
I legit had no clue what the heck was going on, they were screaming all this stuff about zombies, “oh, Robbie’s a zombie!”, absolutely going nuts. Of course, I rushed over to the window to see what the heck was going on, and there was nothing there. Before I could call ‘em out on it, Robbie walked out, Nate hit him right in the face with a jumbo roll, and things just went downhill from there.
Lee and Thompson brushed it aside later on as a sugar hallucination from too much Pitt Cola or something. We all kinda forgot about it after a bit, but I can’t lie—for a couple days after, it was real weird imagining my boyfriend living a secret double life as a zombie.
So yeah, that’s my paranormal experience. Sorta.
Oh, I’ve got that one one…criminology. Criminal investigation could be a very promising career, in my opinion…And I mean, the one good thing about Gravity Falls is that it’s given me tons of practice in all of that kind of stuff!
Then again, it might be nice to study something paranormal, too…Mythology, maybe? I wonder if paranormal investigations is a thing…If that’s the case, I’ll probably have it as a minor…or double major. Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll d—
I’ll go to college and study all about pigs, and someday become the PIGGY QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
Mabel, I don’t think you can actually major in…pigs.
Sure I can! I majorly love pigs, so I can totally major in the wonderful study of piggitude!!!
I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Dipper. It all makes sense to me!
Um…uh…wow, that…um…I’m flattered?
But what do I say, uh…um…
You think, uh, Wendy’s one of those fangirls? Cause, I mean, you said a large population, so, y’know, statistically speaking…
I dunno, the odds are in my favor, right?
Y’know, it’s funny you asked, cause just the other day, we did the CRAZIEST thing!!!
See, every time we have a sleepover, me and the girls try to outdo our wildness-ness from the last sleepover. But seeing as we’ve had nights that ended with Candy on the wall and Grenda kissing the wizard in the closet, we felt it was about time we took it up a notch.
So what better adventure to go on than searching for the dreamiest boy band alive????
See, we let Sev’ral Timez out into the woods ages ago, but seriously, how great would it have been to have them guest star at our sleepover??? I mean, we never even got to play Spin the Bottle with Deep Chris! And that’s just sad!
So that night, we grabbed a bunch of Summerween leftovers, and ventured out INTO THE WILD! It was like Hansel and Gretel! Except with candy instead of breadcrumbs. Also there were three of us. And no witch.
But anyway, after like, 20 bazillion hours of candy trails, we’d gotten nowhere…So we decided to go back home and stuff…I mean, it was getting really late, and, y’know, Grenda needed to go to the bathroom, so…
BUT THEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENED!
See, I totally forgot that Dipper and I accidentally giganti-fied a caterpillar a few weeks back, and I double totally forgot that giant caterpillars love candy!!! (They do, it’s science.) So this little buddy followed all three of us all the way back to the shack! And I mean, how do you turn down a giant fuzzy caterpillar face…you just can’t.
So long story short, we have a new pet now! We decided to give him to Candy, cause, well, I’ve got Waddles and Grenda has her lizard, and besides, this little guy loves candy! Get it? Get it????
…Think that’s a good enough argument to convince her parents to keep him? I think it is.
(Also, Grunkle Stan has some really big duffel bags. Like seriously, what does he use those for?)