Well, to be honest, I’m not all that much’f an expert on the land-roamin’ ones. My experience is pretty much strictly airborne. However, I credit myself on bein’, well, at least decently smart, so I’m gonna go ahead and take into account some basic common sense, Stan Pines style.
See, what are dinosaurs? They’re big, strong, kinda wrinkly things.
And what am I? Well, uh, a big, strong, kinda wrinkly thing!
Throw in the fact that we’re both basically ancient, and bingo, you’ve reached your bottom line. These dinosaurs aren’t punks, kid. They’re grumpy old guys!
So the rest is pretty much logic! Buy ‘em a bunch’f copies of Gold Chains For Old Men, leave ‘em in a trail off your street (preferably towards Gideon’s place, y’know, if you live close enough) and those dinos’ll be off in no time! Not gonna lie, kid, that subscription’s addictive.
And that’s all there is to it. Totally foolproof! Heh, guess I’m more of a dinosaur expert than I thought. You should, I dunno, pay me or somethin’.
GUESS WHO’S STILL ALIVE!!!
That’s right, still kickin’. I know we’ve been pretty inactive recently, but honestly, you don’t know the half ‘f what’s been goin’ on around here!
Dipper got attacked by somethin’ right outside the Shack—eh, it was probably the goat or somethin’—but either way, kid nearly lost a toe, and man, it showed at the scene’f the crime! Yeah…that was a mess.
Then on top’f that, Mabel decides that a cold foggy night would be the perfect time to row out and try t’find her “mermaid boyfriend” (yeah, don’t ask). Took us nearly a day to find her, turns out she got distracted by, I dunno, some pelicans or somethin’. Yeesh.
And to top it all off, Soos got some kind’f epiphany around the fourth of July to put on a grand, moneymakin’ fireworks spectacular!
Unfortunately, it also burned down half the Shack.
Also that was totally his idea. Not mine. Do I look like the kind of guy who would skimp out on safety features just to save a penny?
Anyway, movin’ on.
Basically, all I’m tryin’ to say is that things have been pretty busy around here. There’s a lot to clean up, and Soos—I mean, I—have been pretty much runnin’ the show alone.
So we’re just here to let you know that we’ve still got all your questions, and we’re still, y’know, alive and things. It just might take a while for things to calm down around here. But we’re gonna be back, so, I dunno, stick around!
Plus, donations’ll totally make it faster. Y’know, cash, check, full wallet—I’ll take whatever!
Have a heart! Save the whales and the…children…and all that.
Y’know, ordinarily, I’d say somethin’ like a dragon or like, laser-eyed frog or, well, somethin’ cool like that! But believe it or not, I’ve actually been thinkin’ about this recently. It’s a really serious question! And I’ve come to, like, a real solid decision, dude.
I’d be a butternut squash with human face n’ emotions.
Now, I know what you’re gonna say. “But Soos!”—That’s, uh, that’s you talkin’, by the way—“I know you’ll be like, incredibly delicious ‘n stuff, dude, but a butternut squash? Why’d you choose that over a laser-lightning robot dragon or somethin’?”
But remember, this is a butternut squash with human face and emotions.
Dragons are real awesome, bro, but like, what good is it t’be one if you don’t have emotions? I mean, I guess you’d just be hungry all th’ time, but I dunno if that’s really an emotion…and besides, man, I’m hungry all th’ time anyway!
But dude, emotions’re totally worth it!
It’s really sad, though, cause I’ve actually met a few people who wish they didn’t have emotions, and whenever they feel some bad ones, they use really harmful ways to try an’ deal with ‘em. I wish they could see that emotions’re natural things, an’ it’s okay to feel sad n’ scared. ‘Cause believe it or not, there’s a lot’f good things that come out of havin’ emotions.
Bein’ sad’s no fun, but it teaches us how to help other people when they’re sad.
Bein’ scared can warn you ‘bout dangerous situations and help you get out of them, plus fear can keep you from doin’ something dumb.
And best’f all, bein’ happy reminds you how awesome things can get! Sure, you can’t, like, be happy all the time. But bad stuff always makes good things look better—if you were happy forever, I think it’d be pretty boring, dude.
But bottom line, emotions’re pretty sweet. Whether you’re laughin’ or cryin’, you shouldn’t have to hide it. After all, emotions allow us t’express how we really feel an’ experience things to the fullest, instead of sittin’ there like a lifeless lump!
And if I get to be a delicious butternut squash while havin’ ‘em, dude, that’s a plus!
Heh, well, my old man used to take me out for ice cream after boxin’ matches, if I did good enough that day. Eh, it got to be a tradition after a while, and I’d always order this ol’ getup, er, what was it…oh yeah, apple cobbler crunch.
Lemme tell ya, it really was some fantastic stuff. You got this, I dunno, like, this cinnamon flavored ice cream, with these little pie crust pieces in it and apple chunks—basically it was like eatin’ one big slice of apple pie on a cone, alright?
Yeah, but apple cobbler crunch—man, that stuff was golden.
Maybe that’s why I’m such a big fan of that pie from the shack…Tastes just like it!
…Gosh, that stuff really brings back some memories.
Oh, so guess who they finally let make a post! That’s right, it’s me! I wrote out this speech about twenty times the other day, so, uh, hopefully it turns out great. Okay, so, let’s see how this goes!
Alright. So apparently the shack has been getting a buncha complaints about some people’s questions not being answered! And I mean, that’d upset me too. Wherever I go, I want service! I’m not like, the gullible type or anything, heh, that’s ridiculous. And neither are you!
The thing is though, uh, answering that many questions is hard work! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some of you guys’ questions and they’re absolutely adorable! But some of them have already been asked, or we just might not be able to answer ‘em at the moment. Some of ‘em are even still in the inbox, ready to be put to good use real soon, hehe!
However, it’s nothin’ personal if we can’t get to your question, promise! Choosing which questions to get to first is like picking between a puma shirt and a panther shirt. Pfft, it’s near impossible!
If your question isn’t answered this time around, heh, well, feel free to send a different one when the askbox opens, if you wanna! Just please don’t send us any more rude anons or something! Truth is, even if we don’t have time to get to every single message, we’re still trying to get every one we can, and we love hearin’ from you! Really!
And if anyone tells you otherwise, well…
Git ‘em, git ‘em!
I’ll give you a hint.
It starts with a “mer”…
AND ENDS WITH ETERNAL LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!
Okay, seriously, what is that? I mean, I get most acronyms, but like…what? “Don’t get the toast burned”? “Dig graves that tame bears?” I guess I gotta look it up, because I’m totally lost—
NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE, WE’RE DONE HERE, BYE.